You Are My Happiness
by Failte
Summary: What happened to bring Lupin and Tonks together after the hospital wing. MAJOR HP6 SPOILER WARNING!


Hi all,

This is my first Harry Potter Fanfic, hopefully not my last.

--Warning-- There are some major spoilers from HBP. I'm sure you've already read it, but if not, be warned...SPOILER ALERT

Enjoy,

Failte

* * *

With his head lowered and what felt like the weight of the world on his shoulders, Remus Lupin shuffled out of the hospital wing. 

_How much more am I supposed to take?_ He asked himself. _I have lost everyone who has been important to me, James, Lily, Sirius, even Peter. And now Dumbledore. With all the hate and violence coming, what can this mean to Harry? What happens if I lose him too?_

He knew he had never been as close to Harry as Sirius had been, but there was a connection. He was the last of the Marauders, since he considered Peter to have died the minute he joined forces with Voldemort. He wanted to go to Harry, to help him, to support him, but he couldn't. He wasn't Sirius. Harry had Ron and Hermione and Ginny. Remus smiled softly thinking of how Harry and Ginny reminded him of James and Lily. He was happy to know that with all that was going on Harry was able to find some bit of normalcy, some bit of happiness with his friends and his girlfriend.

_How proud James and Sirius would be,_ he thought.

Remus knew how fond of Ginny Sirius had been and James would have loved the fact that his son was going out with one of the prettiest, smartest girls in the school. And he thanked Merlin on a regular basis that Harry had Ron and Hermione. They helped him, they kept him grounded, they had been there for him after Sirius's death when he himself could barely speak or think.

He stopped, looking around. He was standing alone at a fork in the hallway, not sure where he was in the castle. He had left the hospital wing alone, unable to face Molly and Arthur as they fussed over their son and his fiancée. To be honest, he had no idea how much damage Bill had really suffered. They would know with time. His face was definitely ruined, he would be scarred for life and no magic would be able to rid his face of the marks. His temperament would probably change and he might develop more hair on his body, but, hopefully, that would be the worst of it. Bill wouldn't have to go through the excruciating pain of the transformation each month and he was lucky to have a woman who loved him, despite his injuries, and a large family to look out for him.

Remus turned left and went up a flight of stairs, not sure where he was going or doing, he just knew he needed to keep walking.

The full moon had been over a week and a half before, making this his strongest time. Before all this happened, a week earlier, Dumbledore had owled him and told him that the new potions professor, Slughorn, had made up a batch of the Wolfsbane Potion for him. That would be helpful. In the short time that Sirius had been back, he had grown accustom to having Padfoot with him during the transformations. In the time since he had gone, the transformations had once again become nearly unbearable and painfully lonely.

Fighting back the urge to scream or punch a wall, Remus stopped and laid his head against the tapestry on the wall to his left. He was so lonely. He was scared. Scared for the wizarding world, scared for the world in general, and most of all scared for Harry. How much more pain and loss could they all endure?

And in this moment of intense emotional pain and loneliness, he could think of only one person. A young auror who, more often than not, had bright pink hair.

* * *

Tonks watched out of the corner of her eye as Remus slipped out of the hospital room. She knew he was hurting and she wanted to help, but, once again, he pushed her away. He was always pushing her away. He had a million reasons to push her away even though she had a million and one reasons to push back. 

And then she had to go and do something so stupid as to drag their personal issues out in the open. No wonder he left. She had embarrassed him in front of some of their closest friends. And she did it at the worst possible time. But she couldn't help it, there were times when her mind was as clumsy as the rest of her. Things fell out of her mouth when she didn't want them too.

Burying her face in her hands, Tonks groaned and silently cursed herself.

A hand rested on her shoulder and squeezed gently.

She looked up into the kind, tired eyes of Arthur Weasley. "Tonks, is there anything I can do for you?"

His son was lying on a hospital bed, badly injured, they had just lost Dumbledore, and the world was falling apart around them. And he was asking what he could do to help_ her_. Tonks opened her mouth to respond and burst into tears. Arthur pulled a chair over and sat beside her, patting her hand and whispering reassurances.

Tonks felt like a fool. She should be the one offering comfort, not sitting here blubbering like a little girl. Why was she crying? Was it for Dumbledore? For what the Order, the world had lost? Or was it because the man she had been in love with for almost a year now had pushed her away again?

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, blowing her nose in the handkerchief Arthur had handed her.

"Don't apologize, dear, we…we all have to lean on each other sometimes," Arthur said quietly, looking up to where Fleur and his wife were cleaning Bill's wounds. "If we can't depend on each other then we're lost."

"You're right," she said determinedly. Wiping her nose, Tonks stuffed the handkerchief into the pocket of her robes and stood. "You're right," she repeated, walking quickly from the room.

* * *

She remembered when she had first seen him, when she had first come to the house. She hadn't known then that he was werewolf. All she saw was a quiet, studious man with a scarred face and kind eyes. She wanted to get to know him better. She pestered Sirius with questions about his old friend. Sirius answered every question with a smile. 

_"What's he like?"_

_"Remus is the best guy I know. He's a gentleman, smart, nice. Pretty much the opposite of me."_

_"Does he have a girlfriend?"_

_"Nope."_

_"But he likes girls, right?"_

_Sirius let out his loud barking laugh, "Of course he does. He's just shy. What's with all the questions Nymphadora?"_

_"Don't call me that. I'm just curious. I…I want to get to know the Members of the Order."_

_"You have a crush on ol' Remus, don't you?"_

_Tonks blushed bright red to the roots of her hot pink hair, "N-no, I'm just curious."_

_He ruffled her hair and winked at her, "You always were too curious."_

She and Remus had been friendly to each other and she loved watching the interaction between him and Sirius and she imagined what they were like in school. Remus was always the straight man, but he took it in stride. He told her stories of what Sirius and James had been like and the tricks they played. She loved listening to his voice, it was low and hoarse, almost hypnotic. He had endless patience and never seemed to tire of her questions.

As the full moon grew closer each month, she watched helplessly as he grew weaker. And the days after the transformation he was tired and sore and often suffered headaches. But he never complained, he never wanted to burden the others with his problems. She helped any way she could. She would bring him hot tea and bits of chocolate after the transformation in hopes of making him feel better. He would flash her a weak smile and quietly thank her, telling her she didn't need to worry about him.

While the others avoided him when it got close to the full moon, Tonks found herself drawn to him. She knew he was dangerous in his wolf form and on the nights of the transformation, Sirius kicked everyone out of the house for their own safety. She had tried arguing, but you never argue with Sirius Black when he had his mind set on something. So, every full moon, she left Grimmauld Place and would either work a late shift or go home. No matter what she was doing, her mind was on Remus.

Her feelings for him had grown, but she had no idea how he felt about her. He was kind and patient, but he was that way with everyone. Sometimes, she caught him looking at her, but she couldn't tell if it was because he found her attractive or if he was trying to figure out her current hair color.

It had been a week after the Department of Mysteries, she had been out of St. Mongo's for four days. 12 Grimmauld Place was deserted, except for Lupin. Tonks was staying in the room Hermione and Ginny had stayed in. She was still recuperating and Dumbledore wanted her some place safe. The Order still gathered there and Molly Weasley stopped by regularly with food and Dumbledore stopped in to check on them. The only time they were really alone was at night. And during those nights, he would stick his head in the door and ask if she needed anything. And every night she would say the same thing.

"I could use some company."

During that time, she and Remus had become close friends, helping each other to cope with the loss of someone they both cared for. He had been quiet and calm and reassuring. He sat with her while she cried and shared firewhiskey with her while they drank to Sirius and his memory.

Then one night, one week after Sirius went through the veil, Tonks sat on the sofa beside him in the living room. Remus had his head down, reading some book. Every so often he would run a hand through his hair and she would watch as it fell back into place. Her fingers itched to do that, comb through the soft brown hair as she pulled his mouth to hers. Images of what they would do to each other filled her mind and Tonks found herself feeling suddenly hot.

She kicked the afghan off her lap and stood abruptly.

He looked up, his eyebrows raised in question, "Are you okay?"

"Yes. No. I mean, I don't know. Remus, we need to talk."

He slowly marked the page he was on and closed the book, "What about?"

Tonks paced the floor nervously, her fingers twirled the short pink spikes of her hair. She had no idea what to say and she was afraid she would screw everything up by saying the wrong thing. Tears filled her eyes as she turned to face him and tripped over nothing, falling quickly toward the floor.

Remus was on his feet and grabbing her arms and catching her before she hit the floor. He helped her straighten up, holding her arms a little longer than necessary.

"Thanks," she mumbled, swiping the back of her hand over her cheek.

"Tonks, what is it?" He whispered gently.

She took a deep breath and raised her eyes to his. Her lavender eyes shimmered with unshed tears as she whispered, "I…I'm…I think I'm in love with you."

If he was surprised, he didn't show it. He looked at her a moment, his expression unreadable. Then he turned and picked up his book, his back to her, he finally spoke. "No, you're not."

"What?"

Setting the book on the end table, he picked up and folded the afghan she had kicked to the floor. "You're upset and your feelings are confused. I was here when you needed someone to talk to, I took care of you when you were unwell, you're mistaking gratitude for…something else."

Anger flooded Tonks, dark pink spots appeared on her cheeks and her eyes narrowed. "How dare you tell me how I feel! What I feel for you didn't just happen over the last week, I've been in love with you for months. Sirius…" She stopped at the mention of his name.

"Nymphadora…"

"Don't call me that."

Smiling indulgently, Remus sat on the sofa, "Tonks, please, sit so we can talk."

She sat on the edge of the sofa, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly.

"I'm not stupid," he said quietly. "I…I've known you felt something for me, but it's just a crush."

"No it isn't," she interrupted. "Don't you feel something for me? Anything?"

"That…that's not the point, Tonks, I'm over ten years older than you..."

"So what?"

"I'm poor…"

"I don't care."

"I'm dangerous…"

"I'm not afraid."

Showing the first signs of frustration, Remus ran his hands through his hair and sighed heavily. "Stop interrupting me."

"Stop being a jerk."

He looked up at her a smile playing at his lips, "You know, you're really reminding me of Sirius right now."

"You never pushed him away."

"That was different."

"How?"

"He was my friend…"

"I'm your friend."

"Damnit Tonks! Stop interrupting me!"

She started. That was the first time he had sworn or raised his voice in front of her.

"I'm too old, I'm poor with no prospects, and I'm dangerous. You're young with your entire life ahead of you, you're pretty and smart and talented. You don't want to tie yourself to someone like me, I would just hold you back."

She slid a little closer to him, "You think I'm pretty?"

"You're missing the point, Tonks."

"You never said you didn't have feelings for me."

Remus leaned back a little, licking his lips nervously as she moved a little closer, "You're missing my point. I would just hold you back…"

"Isn't it up to me to decide what's right for me?"

He closed his eyes as she leaned closer, he would know her scent anywhere. Vanilla mixed with her essence. It was part of his curse, his canine senses heightened his awareness of everything, of her. Before he could think, her lips were on his, assaulting him and for that moment, he gave in to his selfish need to touch her, taste her.

By the time Remus gathered his wits, he was lying back on the sofa, Tonks on top of him, her hands fisted in his hair, pulling his head back exposing his neck to her hungry lips. Her shirt was pushed up almost to her armpits and his hands roamed over the naked flesh of her back. Her pelvis rubbed against his, waking parts of him that had been slumbering way too long.

"No," he gasped. "We can't, stop."

"I don't want to stop either," she hissed into his ear.

Remus tugged her shirt back down and gently pushed her up, "No, Tonks, I mean we can't do this."

She bit her lip as she looked up at him, his lips swollen, cheeks darkened, and his hair mussed. He never looked sexier. "You haven't given me one good reason why not."

"I've given you three," he said shakily.

"I can't believe you think that little of me," she cried. "I don't care if you're older than me, age is just a number and money means nothing to me. I make enough for both of us."

Remus stood, smoothing his hair down. "And then once a month I turn into a deadly monster."

"You have the Wolfsbane Potion."

"It's very difficult to make, only potion experts can make it. It doesn't have a long shelf-life so I can't stockpile it…"

"I can learn to make it."

He looked at her, surprised, "What?"

"I did well in Potions, you have to to become an Auror. I can learn how to make it so that you can always have it."

Remus felt his heart melt at that moment. He was in love with her, but he couldn't let her throw her life away on an old man like him. He had become accustom to being alone, he couldn't drag someone so full of life into that kind of lifestyle.

"Remus," she rose to stand in front of him, stumbling a bit. "If we both want it, we can make it work."

Pursing his lips, Remus shook his head, "It won't work. This…this house is Harry's now. I'll…I'll be finding my own place soon."

"Harry won't mind if you stay, you know that. I…I'll go back to my flat, I'm feeling much better now."

With that, Tonks turned and walked slowly upstairs, to her room.

The next morning, she was gone when he rose from a sleepless bed.

* * *

Remus raised his head and looked at the tapestry he had been leaning against. It was Barnabas the Balmy. He stepped back and studied it, an idea forming in his mind. 

Concentrating hard, he walked back and forth in front of it three times. "I need some place to get away, some place for me to get away from all this pain and sorrow. Just for a little while. I need a place to be happy. I need a place to be happy. I need a place to be happy."

Remus opened the door slowly and walked in. It was a comfortable, bright room. A fire crackled in the fireplace, but the room was at a comfortable temperature. Bookshelves lined the walls, a table set up beside a large, cushy sofa held a tray with a decanter and two glasses. For a brief moment, he wondered why he should need two glasses.

He crossed over to the couch and sat down, the cushions enveloping him in comfort and warmth. There was also a small bowl of chocolates on the table beside what appeared to be a large photo album. He picked up the album and opened it to the first page.

The photo that looked back at him was of James, Sirius, Peter, and himself during their first year at Hogwarts. James stood between him and Sirius, an arm around both their shoulders while Peter stood beside Sirius, looking up at the three of them adoringly. As he watched, the young Sirius grabbed James' glasses and slid them on, mocking James and earning a punch in the arm from his friend.

Remus poured a glass of the firewhiskey in the decanter and sipped it slowly as he flipped through the pages. Page after page of happy memories, their seven years at Hogwarts, the few years after school, before Voldemort had fully come in to power. He thought he should have felt depressed, looking back on what he had lost, but he didn't. He smiled and even laughed as he remembered back on the years of happiness he had had. This was what they were fighting for, so that more children could have the happiness that he had shared with the Marauders.

Defeating the Death Eaters and Voldemort wouldn't bring back James, Lily, or Sirius, but it would make the world safe for the future Marauders. For Harry and Ron and Hermione and for the children they would have who would one day come to Hogwarts. That was what Dumbledore had died for, what so many had died for and it was worth dying for.

He looked up as the door creaked open, surprised to see Tonks enter. She didn't look herself. Her hair was mousey brown and hung limply to her shoulders. She was pale with dark circles under her eyes. The sparkle he had always loved was gone and it wasn't because he was old and poor, it was because he had broken her heart. He had had tastes of happiness over the years, why couldn't he have it again? Why couldn't he be happy with Nymphadora Tonks?

"Are you really here?" He whispered.

"I think I am," she replied, looking around the cozy room. "What is this place?"

"The Room of Requirement. I…I didn't think it worked this way. It allows you to find whatever you need when you need it, but I didn't think you could just walk in here like you did."

"I didn't even know this room existed. I…I just knew to come in here. What are you doing here?"

Remus stood, setting the photo album on the table. "I needed to get away, I asked for some place to be happy."

"Oh." Tonks looked around, embarrassed. "Then I'll leave you."

"Please don't go."

"What?"

"Please don't go, Tonks."

"I would think that if you wanted to be happy, you wouldn't want me to be around."

He crossed to her, "I've been an old fool and I'm sorry."

Hope fluttered in her chest. "What?"

"I've been an old fool and I'm sorry," Remus repeated, reaching out to take her hand. "I am in love with you and I know now that you and Molly were right, the excuses I gave you weren't any good. I was just afraid that you would be throwing your life away on me. But I've come to realize what _I_ had almost thrown away. Please forgive me and please tell me it's not too late. I will make it up to you."

She bit her lip, her eyes searching his face for a sign that he was lying, that this wasn't real. This was too good to be true.

"I've been afraid of happiness for so long," he admitted quietly. "I've been afraid that my happiness would come at the expense of others and I couldn't allow that to happen. I've been thinking of all I've lost, my friends, my family, so much so that I have forgotten all the happiness I had with them. I've been looking back on pictures, reliving the past. But that's the past. I need to look to the future. We're entering a war, more people will die and I don't want to spend the rest of my life running away from happiness, even in the midst of this war. I know now, Tonks, that **you **are my happiness."

She pulled her hand from his and Remus felt his heart drop. He was too late, he had blown his last chance.

Licking her lips, Tonks reached up with both hands and combed them through his hair. "I've wanted to do that for so long," she whispered.

He furrowed his brow, "Was there a hair out of place? I mean, I was never as vain as Sirius, but I didn't think it was that bad."

Giggling, Tonks slid her hands down to his shoulders, "I just wanted to touch you."

He smiled, "I've wanted you to."

She took a step closer and stumbled over a wrinkle in the carpet. Remus caught her and held her tightly.

"You have been an old fool," she mumbled into his shoulder, "but I forgive you."

He pressed his face into her hair, "Thank you, Nymphadora."

"Don't call me that."

He chuckled gently, "I miss your pink hair."

Without a word, she took a deep breath and clutched his robes in her hands as she concentrated hard. Remus felt a funny tickling sensation over his face as her hair shortened itself into spikes. He opened his eyes to see bright pink locks sticking up about an inch all over her head.

For the first time since before Sirius died, Remus let out a deep, throaty laugh. Catching his mirth, Tonks giggled and then laughed right along with him as they continued to cling to each other. The laughter brought on tears. Tears of happiness and of sadness. Remus lifted his head and looked down into the sweetly pretty face with swollen eyes and tear streaks down her cheeks.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," she whispered back.

Feeling as though he was moving in slow motion, Remus lowered his head and kissed her gently. She returned his affection hungrily. After a few moments, he raised his head to catch his breath and look down at her.

Her eyes shifted over his shoulder and then back to his face. Her cheeks were pink and her mouth quirked up in a smile. "Just how far were you planning to take this new happiness of yours?"

"What do you mean?" He asked, perplexed.

Tonks inclined her head, indicating something behind him.

Remus glanced over his shoulder and groaned. His mind and the Room of Requirement were plotting against him.

The comfy couch he had been sitting on earlier had stretched itself into a luxurious bed covered with a thick duvet and what appeared to be a hundred pillows.

Smiling, Tonks took his hand and led him over to the bed. "Maybe you could start making this up to me now."

He grinned at her, "Whatever it takes."

* * *

**Added A/N:** Thank you all for your amazing reviews, I really appreciate them. This is a one shot, but not the last HP fic I will be writing, I have more ideas and hope to post again soon. However, there are a couple of reviews I feel I need to comment on. 

I understand how rabid HP fans can be (you're talking to an adult who owns no fewer than four different HP shirts, the books in 1st edition/1st impression, as well as on CD, and whose cell phone ring tone is the HP theme, and that's just to name a few) and that is why I was hesitant to post. So I wanted to respond to two comments I recieved.

1. Yes, it was out of character for Lupin to swear. That's the point. He was feeling emotional and lost control at that moment.

2. I know it's a 13 year age difference, but the way I see it, Lupin is really uncomortable with that and he couldn't bring himself to admit it. He was just more comfortable with saying it was 'over ten years'.

Any way, thanks for the great reviews, it means so much to me to know you enjoyed this story.

Thanks,

Failte


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